so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
