the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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