well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
