Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
