When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize