I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
