I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
