Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
