Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
