Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
