sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
