just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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