Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Never underestimate the power of titties
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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