i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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