End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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