Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
