it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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