she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
