I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
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I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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