He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
