I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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