The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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