she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
