I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
