Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
