So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
