She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
