I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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