My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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