Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
