I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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