o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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