Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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