she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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