just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
