my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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