dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
