Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
