"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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