I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
this is an emotional support booty call
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
