Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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