Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
