You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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