I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
