I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
