Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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