A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So many bounce houses so little time
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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