brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
