Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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