i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
