whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
