I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
