I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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