my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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