The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
