I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
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he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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