the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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