I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
