I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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