one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
