i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
